Velveeta and the Great Target Humor Hunt

Posted: March 2, 2016 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Unless your name is Donald Aloysius Trump, I honestly never set out on this blog to make fun of anyone else but good ole me. I have more than enough material just looking internally at my own thoughts and dreams to spare the vast majority of the universe from my good-natured yet foul-smelling vitriol.

That being said, there are times in the ebb and flow of a day that I run across someone that I just have to share with you, my faithful readers. Not to scorn, not to chastise… the only reason to focus on this person normally is that I find them utterly fascinating and am astounded by an action or series of actions that this individual has undertaken.

Without further ado (since I have plenty of ado already) I give you the one who I shall name ‘Velveeta’. I feel that she was born approximately 38-41 years ago in a small hospital in rural Georgia – with her parents Chris and Peggy naming her while in a drug-induced haze after they noticed a small piece of processed cheese on the Nurse’s Station at the hospital during their insurance-shortened stay at the Georgia Memorial Hospital. It rang true with them – velvety cheese – and a legend was born.

I was standing at the local Target for approximately 30 minutes waiting for my wife and daughter to browse through the various sections of detritus that is normally found at Target. I had picked a nice, quiet spot to lean on my grocery cart by the greeting cards and prescription counter and was calmly minding my own business. All of a sudden, my peace and quiet was shattered – yes, SHATTERED – by a velvety out-loud laugh so eerily out of place it gave me chills up my spine. I thought nothing more of it since people are perfectly entitled, nay expected, to laugh at times. I had just returned to my stupor of waiting when the silence was again punctuated by the same laugh approximately 5 minutes later. Now it needed my immediate attention. One laugh was fine – but unless Monty Python’s “The Holy Grail” was playing somewhere there was absolutely no call for two laughs.

I slowly turned around to determine where the laugh was coming from and found Velveeta – a relatively normal looking human being looking at the ‘Now THAT’S Funny’ card section at Target. Was it her that generated all of this mayhem with two laughs? Here’s my first look at her:


And my second action shot of her reaching for a card:


And finally, Velveeta wondering what her life had become:


Note that her face didn’t actually look like these patterns – that would have made this really odd.

Velveeta was literally standing there for 30 minutes (yes – I timed it) – reading every single card in the section. I would guess about every 60th card she looked at she would bust out a creepy little 3-second laugh. Not every card, every 60th card. I was fascinated by Velveeta. What has sparked her to have so much time and SO MUCH NEED to look at every single card? Was it the approximately 5,000 Diet Cokes that were in her shopping cart, strewn in a Wild West fashion on all belt loops of her shopping cart? Was it the obviously gigantically magical ‘Balloon Fun’ contraption she had? What kind of party was this going to be?

I had to find out. I kept checking back to see if she had left, and kept trying to sneak a peek at a card that she had actually laughed at. Were we going to have some brilliant connection with humor that would spark a fascinating conversation the likes of which Velveeta had never seen previously?

Finally my time came. She picked up a card, read it carefully, laughed her little creepy outward laugh, and put the card back. I was on it – 5th card from the right, 3rd row down. I was ready. When the coast was finally clear and Velveeta had left the aisle, I quickly grabbed the card to determine the level of humor in this fine lady. I slid it out of its slot and gazed with great anticipation at the cover:


Uh oh. We’re in trouble here folks. Keep in mind that it would be MUCH less weird if she laughed at every other card, or maybe even every 5th card. But she was probably looking at one card every 10 seconds, which only generated one laugh every 5 minutes. So looking at this poor child on the cover of the card, I KNEW we were going to have comedy gold on the inside. There HAD to be one heck of a Jerry Seinfeld punch line coming up right? I cracked open the card with great anticipation, and was quickly rewarded with:


Oh. Wow. Even in my limited humorless life, that’s not even remotely funny. I immediately went to find Velveeta carrying the card over my head – wanting to discuss with her the meaning of humor and what generated the creepy Velveeta laugh. But alas, she was gone forever. I just stood at the front doors of Target, looking longingly out into the parking lot – letting the card slowly fall to the floor.

We’ll never know what Velveeta found so disturbingly funny in this card. I think that tells us a lot about the human condition and why some people would find, no matter how absurd it may seem at the time, that it may be necessary to vote for Mr. D.A. Trump for President.

Now THAT is humor.

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