Snack Bag Users of the World Unite!

Posted: May 12, 2016 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , ,

When you Google the buzzwords “Portion Control” you get a myriad of cooking, health and weight watching websites all bantering on about secrets to portion control and simple methods to ensure proper portion control. All of them can basically be summed up in six words:

Do not eat so damn much.

Someone once told me that I should exhibit better portion control when I go out to eat at fine dining restaurants. I told her immediately that I LIKE my Big Mac and will not settle for a single hamburger. I no longer am associated with that individual nor she with I. You can use all the cute phrases and industry-approved lingo, but you’re still just telling me I eat too damn much.

So what does portion control have to do with my daily life? Recently I was tasked with going to the grocery store and purchasing various items for the household. Toilet paper, milk, eggs, snack bags, cereal, etc. I dutifully came home with all of these and I am happy to report that 4 of the 5 items passed the muster of the Inspector General. You’d think that snack bags would have been an easy ‘get’. Nothing is easy in my shopping world, but the SBAA (Snack Bag Association of America) has apparently made a unilateral decision that is shaking the very foundations of the snack bag industry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new, “improved”, portion controlled snack bags:


Notice the sleek design, the wide openings giving you the ability to….. who am I kidding? These are the stupidest things in the history of the SBAA. What was wrong with the old snack banks that opened in landscape mode? Who at the sleek corporate headquarters of the SBAA thought to themselves “We really need to control portions by creating a portrait snack bag.” The packaging clearly (i.e. not clearly at all) states that this is a portion pack bag, but they definitely pop up the word ‘snack’ so that all the idiots like me will just grab it by accident.

boxOf course the box also throws in the “ON THE GO SNACKING & PORTION CONTROL” piece of marketing fluff that means absolutely and totally nothing. Not to mention the ‘Double Zipper” that no one on this Earth cares about, but all of these complaints pale in comparison to the simple fact that they are totally and completely unusable.

Problems with portion control snack bag (SBAA please take note):

  • Opening too narrow to put your hand in. Even Donald Trump couldn’t get his little, creepy mouse paws in to these things.
  • Meaningless measurements on the outside – has ANYONE ever measured out exactly ½ cup of strawberries to take to work? Of course not – you just dump LESS in that you normally would.
  • Gratuitous use of the words ‘portion pack’. By the way, the word ‘pack’ is right up there on my hated words list along with moist, drawer and roll.
  • Box has marketing drivel on it. Marketing drivel = oxymoron. Oxymoron = the air I breathe.
  • Causes meaningless confusion to the unknowing (i.e. me) shopper in the LEAST exciting aisle of the grocery store.

To conclude, I say this to you – if you are worried about portion control, don’t bow to the SBAA and buy these special bags. Use the normal bags and make them feel the burn. Write to your local SBAA representative and let them know immediately that you will not go quietly into the night. You expect to be treated like an adult in the snack bag department and will not let “the man” switch you to portrait.

Stand up now, or forever be subjected to these indecencies.

  1. The ubiquitous “zip locs” piss me off anyway. I feel guilty every time I throw one away, because they are so damn over-engineered, they’ve used a shitload of resources, and they’re STILL USABLE. Just like those so-called disposable plastic containers and bottles. Because have you ever tried washing those things? (The bags, not the disposable containers. I wash the hell out of disposable containers and I JEER at the trolls who tell me they’ll give me cancer.) You can’t wash the bags. They just go manky and unhealthy-looking, even though they’re FINE.

    I picture future archeologists unearthing them from our dump sites and selling them for huge sums of whatever humans use when the 1% has all the money and the rest of us need an alternative. They’ll be auctioned off at Sotheby’s. I mean, seriously, for a snack bag, all one needs is plastic thin enough to rip the corner off the bag if you can’t undo the knot while traveling at high speed down the Great Highway of Life. It can even be biodegradable, because how long do you expect your snacks to last?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I often wonder what the archaeologists of 3016 will say when they dig into a big mountain of plastic bags. Will they get the same thrill as we do when we find ancient pottery? I feel that we are just mucking up those people’s jobs for the rest of eternity.


  2. It’s been a long day, so I really appreciated the laughs here. I so admire your passion about everyday objects. Most of us, upon opening the snack bag package and seeing the marking on the snack bag, would have said “What the hell did I buy?” and simply moved on. Not you. 🙂 I also love your list of “hated word”. I can’t quite see the rhyme and reason in them, but I applaud your passion.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There is no rhyme nor reason. That’s the beauty of the thing. I could have just as easily used the words packet, orange or jacket. As always, thanks for stopping by and glad your day is getting better!


  3. The exact reason why I need to stand and stare at something for at least 8 minutes before purchasing!

    Liked by 1 person

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