Losing Friends and Gaining Enemas

Posted: September 8, 2016 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , ,

What you want from a title is something that will grab the reader by the shirt collar, shake him/her vigorously for a good solid two minutes, and then suck them into reading the actual drivel that the author is spouting off. That being said, I couldn’t really have come up with that title on my own could I??? I googled it, with and without quotes, and nothing came up to say I stole it from someone deep in my subconscious. How could no one have ever thought of that before? Have I found the hook to end all hooks?

Funny thing is – and I’m sorry to disappoint 95.8% of you – this blog has nothing to do with enemas. I realize that the subject of enemas and general bathroom care should be at the top of every blog I write, but alas in this case I’m going to focus on part A of the title of this blog and tell you a story of woe. And despair. Woe and despair.

I’m losing friends hand over fist. Willy-nilly even.

I don’t know why. I’m not doing anything differently than I have ever done near as I can figure. I’m still the samefb bubbly, life-of-the-party kind of guy that I have always been. But there can be no doubt that my friends are dropping like virtual flies. Or actually dropping like real flies. I don’t know what a virtual fly is but it sounds strangely horrific and should perhaps be considered for a future blog title.

So back to the sad reality. I’m losing friends. Just this week I’ve lost a little under 1% of my total friends on this planet. How do I know this? Cruising smoothly into last weekend I was sitting at 180 Facebook friends. We were all having a rollicking good time just chatting about cats, dogs, Trump, Clinton and the weather. I thought everything was going so seamlessly and all was rainbows and unicorns.

Then it happened.

I checked this morning and I only have 179 friends. Someone has dropped me right off the Facebook planet. Basically, they ripped the band aid off of our friendship and dumped me unceremoniously from their lives. Without nary a ‘See ya’ or a ‘It just didn’t work out’. I’ve been dumped.

unfriendOf course, you immediately think who it could be. At first I was sure it was going to be THAT person because well, you know, just because.  So I scanned down my friends list and found that person sitting there without a care in the world. That led me into a 15-minute quest to determine who this person was who was so callous in their friendships. As I scrolled down I was surprised to see how many of my remaining 179 cohorts really HAVE stayed on for the long haul with me – despite not talking with me for years or not seeing me in practically decades. In fact, I was somewhat dismayed/surprised/whatever to find that I was still friends with at least 5 people that had even passed away.

So the bottom line is that my friends are dwindling and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m going to just keep on keeping on and hope that my charm and charisma will more than make up for the one lost friend by adding a dozen new friends. And to the one lost friend who shall remain unknown?

Your loss…me and the other 179 were just about to go out and get some ice cream.

  1. Linda Estes says:

    Maybe the lost friend left FB and not you – just to cheer you up! Waiting for MY ice -cream. . .

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Isn’t it just so silly how we do that? Most FB friends are barely even relationships (as you say, people you haven’t seen or spoken to for years, some because they’re dead). Yet if you notice that someone has dropped you, OWEEEE! And at this time of year, with all the political memes flying about, you just have to piss people off … I wonder if it’s worse or better when you know who the dropper is? As happens when you get one of those “I like you but I’m going to have to unfriend you” messages. (Please tell me that happens to other people, not just me!) And then there’s that pop-up ad for some service that promises to tell you WHO unfriended you – all you have to do is provide every personal detail you ever had and a lock of the hair of your first-born child – so that when you know you can … what? Bite their knees? Bake them cookies?

    Anyway … All I really wanted to say, before I got carried away by this comment, was, I’m sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. writerinsoul says:

    You should send a warning to the other 179. Just something saying you don’t take this “unfriending business” well. Give ’em something to think about.

    Liked by 1 person

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