I see hundreds of emails per day – mostly innocuous requests or questions that require very little effort to comprehend, reply to, or digest. However, there are some emails that stick out like a brown Bigfoot on a snow-covered mountain. I recently came across of one of these (emails, not Bigfoot) and it literally stopped me in my eye-tracks.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the most annoying email response ever noted by this reporter. Realizing that I’ve been yelled at in email, screamed at in email, laughed at in email, and cried to in email – it takes a lot for me to honor one specific piece of correspondence in this manner. I’m not saying that we’re NOT on a precipice of earth-shattering proportions, but I am saying that we are.
Setting the stage, I was given the task of scheduling an appointment with a random stranger. Fine, I’ve done this a million times before and more or less 100% of the time it turns into a successful communication – whether a meeting occurs or not. I won’t bore you with my request, just suffice it to say that there was nothing interesting in it.
NOTE: The only reason I’m showing this email is that the guy following this message never once contacted me again – therefore I feel that it has now passed the official “ISOPFSE” (International Standard of Practice for Stupid Email) guidelines for email display and discussion.
Since I have no more ado to share with you, here is the email I was sent in its entirety:
Some of you might not realize how annoying this email actually is, so let me break it down for you into the five magic bullets in this email:
- “Today is toast”
- “Scope what you are looking for”
- “Internal huddle”
- “A need might map”
Much like the 5 Pillars of the Ethocentrian Religion, these 5 points demonstrate a strong desire for human sacrifice and self-denial. The above email clearly shows a significant desire on the part of the author to prove himself worthy of the cubicle walls he undoubtedly shares with a 53-year old, slightly overweight fan of the Harry Potter books. The 5 snippets of snot betray every ISOPFSE guideline I’ve ever been involved with and adhered to.
So Mr. No Reply – take your business buzzwords and false cheeriness and shove it up your ISOPFSE rulebook.