I Just Don’t Get (Insert Proper Thing Here)…

Now before we begin the “How Stupid is Tim? (HSIT)” lesson for today, I want to admit that I MAY have talked about this before. That alone justifies the “HSIT” reference in the above sentence, but if you add on the subject of this blog ALONG with not remembering if I’ve written about it before – that should give you every justifiable reason to turn away with horror right now.

If you’re still hanging in here with me, let me tell you a beautiful family story. I’m sitting on the couch in the living room, fireplace burning brightly through the cold, windy evening, one dog at my feet and the other cuddled up nicely alongside. My wonderful 18-year old son comes over and sits next to me and we begin to share a conversation on all topics ranging from soccer to the Kennedy Assassination to his current classes. At one point, something was stated that required a quick check of the internet – so I whip out the iPad and go to town to find the answer. I struggled finding the information as my son calmly watched me with bemusement. Then, with the dogs also watching calmly with bemusement, my son uttered a sentence that shot through my soul.

“You really don’t GET the internet, do you….”

Ouch.

I was momentarily taken aback – I mean I used to design web pages for a living. I practically CREATED the internet. But then as I continued to think about it, I actually had to admit that he was 100% correct. I don’t get today’s internet.

The other day I was listening to a station on Pandora, an internet service that streams free music to any and every one. I was listening to the Linkin Park channel – which means it plays a Linkin Park song every 3 or 4 songs, and then in between it plays random music that it assumes I like that sounds a little like Linkin Park. On comes “Bleed it Out” by Linkin Park – one of my favorite songs. Unfortunately just as it started to play I pulled into the grocery store parking lot. So I paused the song, went in and did my shopping for 30-45 minutes and came back out to the car. I hit the PLAY button and:

THE SONG CAME BACK ON RIGHT WHERE I LEFT IT!!!!!

How can that even happen you ask? I can only assume that Pandora has millions of workers (Pandorans?) sitting in a ridiculously huge room with each worker assigned to an individual Pandora user. When I open Pandora, some warning light above my assigned Pandoran (we’ll call him Elmer) pops on and he goes on full alert. Elmer watches my every move, knows my likes and dislikes, and sits and just waits for me to hit play, pause and skip. I know that this is all true because someone recently posted on Facebook (where the motto is “All News is…well…. News”) that they had finally met their Pandoran and fell immediately in love.

I guess me not ‘getting’ the Internet is no different than me not ‘getting’ listening to a radio. I mean, I can walk anywhere around my city and hear the same radio stations no matter where I am. People say that the stations are just ‘radio waves’ and that they ‘are in the air’ and believe me, that ‘scares me’. What if the signals floating around everywhere suddenly get heavy or tired? All of these radio signals will come crashing down on our houses like the aliens at Roswell – causing not only a massive homeless catastrophe – but also a secondary catastrophe that we will no longer be able to hear Rush Limbaugh!

Don’t even get me started on “Personal Hotspots” and the like. I can walk around carrying a little portable internet device and transport my own little internet bubble anywhere I go! I always feel when I’m walking around with it that I have little blue sparkly things streaming along behind me – the internet trailing as I roam through the halls. I don’t think others can see it, but I feel it, and I know its there.

So that’s it – I just don’t get the internet. But don’t worry – there are a LOT of things that I just don’t get. That’s why I started this blog.

Speaking of which – have a great Inauguration Day!