Vests and Losing Another Facebook Friend

Posted: March 2, 2017 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Look. Normally I prattle on and on preparing the reader for my feelings – because said feelings tend to be anti-mainstream and anti-society as a whole. I feel that if I soften the blow a little bit with brilliant prose then my message will be softened enough to be taken as I mean it.

I will not do that with this subject. I feel strong enough in my convictions on this subject that there can be no glossing over the vest1facts.

There is no need for someone in the general populace to ever to wear a vest.

To support my argument (not that I need support because I’m, well, correct) I will do a little role-play with commonly asked reasoning.

Reason to Wear Vest #1:              It allows me to free up my arms for ease of movement.

Calm, Measured Response:        Are you climbing a mountain in Ecuador? Are you chopping wood in the wilds of Montana? Are you fly fishing in a rocky stream in Alaska? Are you jumping off a cruise ship as it sinks? Fine – wear a vest. However, if all you’re doing is driving, opening an office door, hitting the elevator button, etc….then basically all of the freedom you need with your arms is to pick your nose. I’ve tried, and every coat I’ve ever had on allows for the upward movement of hand to nose.

Reason to Wear Vest #2:              It provides better warmth for my core.

Calm, Measured Response:        If you’ve ever used the word ‘core’ in a sentence in this manner you need to immediately go find some sleeves. The only ‘core’ that can be warmed using this method is if you ate everything around an apple, and then put THAT vest2core in the inside pocket of your vest. Then, and only then, would you have your core being warmed. Besides that, did you ever truly look at a vest? Think of all the air that rushes in through the dumb armpit holes – don’t you think that would keep your core from ever being truly warm?

Reason to Wear Vest #3:              It provides better warmth for my trunk.

Calm, Measured Response:        See above section on ‘core’ – substituting your Aunt Blabby’s old sea chest as a ‘trunk’ for the apple core reference. Confused? Doesn’t matter – don’t wear a stupid vest.

My favorite (i.e. my least favorite – hence the sarcasm) type of office-going vest-wearer is the type that stroll in the office door with their VEST UNZIPPED. Can you please tell me exactly what that does for you? Freedom? Maybe. Core? No. Trunk? No. Cool vest3factor? Zero.

I think I’ve said all I can say about vests. While they might have a place in your wardrobe, they certainly have no place in the office.

Thank you.

Oh – and on another (and somewhat related) note – I’ve lost another Facebook friend. Don’t know who, don’t know when, but he/she is gone. RIP Facebook buddy.

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Comments
  1. writerinsoul says:

    Maybe the Facebook friend wore vests.

    Liked by 1 person

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