The Golden Cross of Toweldom

Posted: March 22, 2017 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , ,

As we inevitably crawl towards our Retirement Date – we as human beings continually look for a more effective method to get there rather than just working until we turn 65. Unless you’re concocting an insanely creative and innovative way to rob a bank, you, along with all of us other glucks out here, just trudge to work every day, put in your normal 9 to 5, and hope for the glorious day to come.

However, you are about to be SOOOO jealous of me. I’ve created an ingenious technique that will guarantee my early retirement. I have copyrighted, trademarked and patented this idea, so don’t try to steal it. In advance I would like to thank all paper towel manufactures, microwave oven manufacturers, and my family. Without your support I would not have been able to brainstorm this idea and develop this procedure that is so revolutionary, so imaginative and so game-changing that it will soon be on every Facebook page, every Twitter feed, every Reddit and sub-reddit, and every Instagram post. It’s that good.


  1. Reheating Spaghetti in the Microwave – A common occurrence in this household.
  2. Small Half-Sections of Paper Towels

Those are the problems I was facing. The problem with paper towels to cover the spaghetti in the microwave is that they came in large squares that fit nicely over the plate – however once the plate starts turning in the microwave the edge of the paper towel invariably catches the wall due to the bulbous shape of the towel AND as the plate continues to rotate, the paper towel tends to slide off to the side. The result? This:

Additionally, because of the large size of the paper towels, my wife would invariably tear the paper towel in half, and then fold up the other half and put it NEXT to the paper towel holder. It annoyed me to no end – and still does to this day.

As you can see, these were a couple of pressing problems that were begging to be solved.


The paper towel manufactures apparently heard my wife’s pleas and have started making half-sheet paper towels. These truly aren’t big enough for anything (think a square of toilet paper) but solved the problem of my wife folding her towels – one problem solved.

But what to do about the spaghetti?

Each sheet is not large enough to cover a good, solid plate of spaghetti. Sauce would fly out all willy-nilly from both sides, simply exasperating the problem.

Introducing my solution:


It’s a simple idea honestly – but so were other brilliant ideas like nuclear fission, the assembly line, and the cotton gin. By the way, does anyone TRULY know what a cotton gin does or did? We all learned who made it, and that it was a good thing – but no one knows WHY it was a good thing or what it helped. Besides Eli Whitney.


Take two of the half-sheets of paper towels and instead of placing them in a square, place them over the plate in a criss-cross applesauce type of pattern as such:

That’s it. I guarantee you that if you use this technique you will no longer have Chef Mike splatter. It catches all residue and random splashes and results in hot spaghetti, a clean microwave and more importantly – millions of dollars.

This idea is copyrighted by the author of this article for the private use of our audience. Any other use of this idea or any pictures, descriptions, or accounts of the idea without the author’s consent is prohibited.    
This copyrighted idea is presented by authority of the Office of this Author. It may not be reproduced or re-transmitted in any form, and the accounts and descriptions of this idea may not be disseminated, without express written consent.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at this website.

That oughta take care of it.

Enjoy the Golden Cross. Responsibly.

  1. writerinsoul says:

    I did not see that coming.

    Liked by 1 person

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