Brand-New Brilliant Bistro Burger Diet

Posted: May 24, 2017 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , ,

Taking a gander at the people around you this second, or even smack dab into a mirror if you’re physically incapable of looking inward at yourself, you may find that you’re shocked by the number of people that could benefit from some sort of dietary regimen. We’ve all heard the jokes about the ‘fat Americans’ eating their fried chicken and potato chips – and frankly we’re all pretty tired of the constant badgering and cajoling that are thrown our way.

There are a million types of diets that have been “developed” by “scientists” looking for quick ways to lose “weight”. I am here to tell you that with absolutely no scientific background, I have developed a foolproof diet that will guarantee you not only lose weight, but love eating every single meal that you’re sitting down to. Interested? Of course you are.

It all started one day at a local hospital. I was visiting someone there and needed to get something to eat. I wandered (actually meandered with a touch of ambled) downstairs to the cafeteria and scoured the menu for what to eat. My mind, obviously, was quickly drawn to the hamburger. But wait! What did I see? Nutrition information???? My brain reeled in the possibilities as I read the magic words:

150 calories. In a hamburger.

Well, of course I had to jump at it and fully expected it to be very ‘healthy’ tasting (i.e. crappy) and was pleasantly surprised when I sampled the essence of the burger. It wasn’t half-bad. I was immediately reminded of my mantra “A bad hamburger is 20 times better than a good piece of fish.”

The wheels in my head (as opposed to the ones on the proverbial bus) started spinning. If this semi-wonderful piece of burger in my hand was only 150 calories – that could be the basis of a fantastic “All-Burger” diet! I would lose weight and STILL get to enjoy burger after burger. I grabbed the nearest laptop I could find (sorry, doc) and started researching. Obviously – my first stop was McDonalds:

250 calories!

Next stop – the gourmet selection of my hamburgers – Foster’s Grille:

540 calories!

So what you’re telling me is basically that I could enjoy burgers for every meal (assuming no fries, and only water to drink) and be healthier than the following diet. And yes, these are actual calorie counts that I’ve gathered…

Sample Diet (Let’s call this the “What Tim Had Yesterday” Diet):


  • Cup of Greek yogurt: 180 calories
  • Small granola cup: 120 calories


  • Small Italian salad:                 280 calories
  • Small bite of dark chocolate: 80 calories


  • One 4 oz bowl of spaghetti 392 calories
  • ½ cup of meatless red sauce 80 calories
  • 1 piece of garlic bread 206 calories

So let’s compare the calorie intake.

“What Tim Had Yesterday” Diet

1338 calories

“What Tim Is Having For the Rest of His Life” Diet

940 calories

I’m not fantastic at math, but it appears that my future diet is going to be about 25% healthier than a healthy diet. I can hear the comments now….

“Yeah…but think of all the sarcophogated fat you’ll be eating…”

“Yeah…but there’s nothing green there….”

“Yeah….but what about the variety….”

“Yeah….but won’t you get tired of hamburgers?”

Shut up, who cares, variety schmariety, never.

Case closed.

With MY diet I can even substitute an A&W Coney Dog at 340 calories occasionally and when I’m in one of my crazy moods, get some Foster’s fries at 450 calories to reward myself for being so brilliant.

Feel free to pass this around to your friends on Facebook, since that seems to be what happens with all vital information of this type. Let’s label it the “Bistro Burger Diet” and watch the pounds shed like white cat hair onto a blue couch. By putting “Bistro” in the title we’re immediately legitimizing the burger, and of course putting the word “Diet” in anything will automatically generate millions of views.

I look forward to hearing your success stories. Mine. Starts. Today.


  1. I like how you clarified “wandered” (meandered with a touch of ambled). Some writers would leave the interpretation to the reader. Not you 🙂 I think your mantra about a bad hamburger being 20 times better than a piece of fish should somehow end up on a Tshirt or something.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. There is absolutely no possible way that the grilled cheese on the menu could only be 145 calories. I don’t understand!

    Liked by 1 person

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