The Russian Conspiracy – HGTV Edition

Posted: April 25, 2018 in Tim Braun
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I really don’t want to start every blog I write with “It’s the Russians….” but if it smells like borscht, and tastes like borscht, then there’s no question that it’s the Russians.

Don’t get me wrong – I have Russian friends and even like some Russian food. This is purely a rant against the government of Russia and how they continue to intrude on even the most innocent of American habits, throwing more and more of their influence over our normal humdrum lives.

I’m talking of course about the non-stop exposure that we are being subjected to in doctor and dentist offices all over the country. Not the office specifically, but the waiting rooms. You’ve not noticed it? That’s exactly what they want you to say. It all seems innocent enough. You walk in to your eagerly-anticipated medical appointment, have a seat and are immediately drowned in the sultry tones of Chip, Joanna, the Property Brothers, Tarek and Christina.

That’s right – it’s the Great Russian HGTV Conspiracy (or the GRHGTVC for those of you who love a catchy acronym).

I’ve been to the following offices in the last approximately 6 months and have not seen a single TV NOT tuned to HGTV:

  • General Practitioner (for shoulder)
  • First X Ray of shoulder by stupid doctor that botched it
  • Physical Therapy for shoulder that didn’t help
  • Ear doctor for shoulder (HA! – for my ears)
  • General Practitioner (for shoulder because nothing was working)
  • Good Shoulder doctor (not the official name)
  • MRI for shoulder

That’s not counting the TWO appointments for the first General Practitioner, and at least SIX physical therapy appointments. Again, every single one had a TV in the lobby tuned to the Commie home improvement channel in question. Conspiracy you say? I THINK YES! Some had closed captioning turned on, some had no volume, some had the volume blaring, and some (i.e. the ear doctor) had closed captioning on with the volume cranked to 350.  Just in case you were pre-hearing aid or post-hearing aid I guess.

So why are the Russians so interested in our great nation drowning in HGTV home projects? The GRHGTVC in reality is showing that the American public is not only weaker and sicker than the rest of the world (hence the targeting of these medical offices) but also that we are a much lazier people than we could have ever realized – displaying that daily to millions through HGTV. By showing Tarek and Christina completely gutting a house in 30 minutes and making $50K profit while wearing Travis Matthew shirts and yoga pants just shows how inferior we are – thereby making the trudge into the medical offices a double whammy of Commie propaganda. We are, to quote Twisted Sister, “worthless and weak”.

So the next time you walk into your Phlebotomist’s office for your latest toe issue (I’m too lazy honestly to Google what a Phlebotomist looks at – SEE MY POINT??? LAZY!!!!) make sure you avert your eyes from the Flip or Flop marathon going on at the end of the room. Pick up the latest copy of People Magazine instead and get back into the truly American art of stalking celebrities.

That’s the way we will fight back hard against the Red Horde. The paparazzi are NEVER lazy.

And yes, I KNOW that isn’t the current Russian flag for you internetters. Red is for impact. Live with it.     


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