I’ve decided to stop replying to any question, statement, rant, query, inquiry, tirade, and/or proclamation in the traditional ‘human’ manner. By that I mean due to previous issues with my replies being taken incorrectly, my statements being misconstrued, my whines being ignored, my compliments being disregarded and my questions being left unanswered I will no longer speak when spoken to.

So how will I communicate in the future? A fine question and one that deserves to be answered. From this point forward I will be engaging in the same manner of responding to communications as the isolated Korowai tribe of Papua New Guinea. This is a two-part action composed of a complex mouth sound occurring at the exact same time as a complicated hand gesturing using the fingers on both hands for directional emphasis.

In general this is what it would look like:

While this looks very much like a simple finger-gun action, if you look much deeper into the eyes of the picture you’ll see that this complex finger gesticulating basically answers any sentence spoken to you with the appropriateness that the reply deserves. Combine this with the tricky ‘tik-tik’ sound made by flipping your tongue on the inside of your teeth and you have an overwhelming response that cannot be denied. If a little spittle comes out with your ‘tik-tik’ all the better. Not a lot mind you, just enough to know that you should not be messed with.

Unfortunately due to the sound limitations of these written words, I will not be able to give you the full effect of this new course of action that I am undertaking. But suffice it to say that this method of reply fits any and every occasion and makes you look like a complete expert on whatever subject you are currently being cornered with.

Let’s take some examples and see how they work. Let’s do this together, shall we?

Example 1:

Annoying Meeting Person:          “So Tim, what do you think of the paradigm shift that we’re proposing to leverage corporate buyout that will utilize the Internet of Things into each of our portfolios – thereby throwing the blockchain methodology into frequent use?

Tim:                                                   

Example 2:

Annoying Political Person:            “So Tim, I understand that you don’t like <insert political figure of choice>. Can’t you see how much better things are with him/her than they are with <insert contradictory political figure of choice>? Why would you believe what you believe?”

Tim:                                                     

Example 3:

Annoying Person in General:      “So Tim, why am I so much better and smarter than you? Don’t you care that you’re just inferior to me in every single way? Shouldn’t you just give up?”

Tim:                                                

See? It works in every single situation that you can think of. Good or bad, hot or cold, dark or light – the result is a measured response to ensure that not only do you have the final word, you also have the complete ability to pivot and walk away quickly leaving the other person completely speechless and never having to deal with the idiot again.

And that, in a nutshell, is worth a ka-zillion dollars.

Advertisements