Posts Tagged ‘sarcasm’

Not a euphemism.

Not a joke.

Also not something I would ever subject anyone to.

The other day I was minding my own business and cleaning up the family galley. I came across a random snack bag filled with something that could only be described as “huh?” It was chicken I assumed, until I started randomly molesting the nuggets with my fingers to determine the softness. Or something.

They were much softer than your typical chicken nugget. That’s not a feeling you ever expect to find in a nugget, much less SHOULD ever find in a nugget. My fingers went into this nugget like a hot knife through butter. I turned to my wife and casually said:

“I think this chicken’s bad…. Can I throw it out?”

Wife said:  “That’s not chicken.”

I said: “Oh”

After contemplating that exchange for what seemed like hours, I continued my thought:

“So what is it?”

Wife said: “Those are cauliflower bits that I made.”

I said: “Oh”

More contemplation on my part. I’m going to save you (and me) the trouble of reading dialog any further and just give you the Reader’s Digest version. They were disgusting. I asked her what they really were, and she said cauliflower chunks (or bits, if you’d rather) rolled in a bunch of spices. I can’t even remember the horror show that she told me they were actually rolled in – I somehow remember rosemary, or thyme, or sage, or nutmeg, or cinnamon… the point being that it didn’t MATTER what spices they were rolled into. There is no way that could be appetizing to any person out there.

Another picture of the ‘bits’ as they look sitting on a piano, in their original habitat (a plastic bag):

Except they were to her. I asked her what she did with them. Was it some plot against humanity to make people think this was chicken or something? Was she just trying to torture people? Her response?

“I dip them in hummus”.

I mean, come on. This can’t be a serious thing, can it? If mankind has degenerated into randomly eating things like this, what’s next for our society? Pretty soon we’ll be eating squash with a vinegar-flavored edible spoon. Don’t you see? This is just what the Communists want us to do…. get so involved with making fake food that we don’t pay attention to the Red Horde streaming over the Alaskan border with their pitchforks and blowguns.

I for one, will not stand for that. Let us quickly take up a position against randomly rolling already-bad vegetables in nonsensical spices and dipping them in farm fresh, organic vegetable debris.

A final picture of the bits as envisioned by the Communist Horde:

Petition forthcoming.