Posts Tagged ‘water boarding’

3:00 a.m. Tossing and turning. Headache brewing. Thoughts coming into your brain like Lake Erie rushing over Niagara Falls. You stumble out of bed, narrowly missing trudging on the dog as he lays slumbering. You head to the bathroom, turn on the water and fill the glass. You take a long drink and feel the liquid peacefulness coat your throat. The taste is a mellow incandescent glow of smoothness. The soothing fluid satisfies every single one of your needs. Night Water. The King of Waters.

Now let’s go 12 hours in the future. 3:00 p.m. Just finished working. Headache brewing. Thoughts about the day spinning their tentacles throughout your cerebral cortex. You head to the bathroom, dog nowhere to be seen, and fill up a glass. You take a long drink and…. It’s just water. It coats your throat for sure, but there is little to no satisfaction. The taste is, well, watery. Does anyone else think that Day Water needs to be thicker and have a more distinct taste? Just me? OK. Day Water. Unsatisfying.

With that, here are my top 10 waters in reverse order:

  1. Walmart “Spring” Water

You know what I’m talking about. Those gallon jugs of water that are just sitting on the shelf waiting for the suckers to buy. You also know that they are just created by a stock boy named Marvin that takes them into the employee’s bathroom and fills them up in there while smoking a cigarette he found on the floor in the Men’s Toiletries aisle. You also know that deep down in your heart you’ve known that for a long time.

  1. Water Boarding

I’m not one for torture, but if I WERE one for torture, water boarding is an interesting way of doing it. Regardless, it’s not a better water than the 8 forthcoming.

  1. Charlie Waters

Dallas Cowboys safety in the 1970’s. I admit I went through a stage of my “favorite team” being whatever team was dominant at the time….Oakland Raiders, Dallas Cowboys, Pittsburgh Steelers. They all had a cherished place in my heard at some point during my childhood. Still…no better than the 8th best Water.

  1. Roger Waters

Drummer for Pink Floyd. They are one of those bands that when they were actually creating new music, no one in the entire universe cared. However, now that they are a classic rock band, you’ll flip by them on the Classic Music channel and stop for 12 seconds to listen to one of their songs. And quickly realize that there was a reason why you didn’t particularly like them in the first place. I’ll have to admit that I never noticed the drumming in the group, but I never DIDN’T notice the drumming either – which allows Mr. Waters to sit comfortably behind his drums in the #7 spot on our chart.

  1. Watertown, New York

Frankly, I know nothing about Watertown, New York. Just as frankly, I’m too lazy to look up anything about it. However, I assume that since it’s named this way it has really good water. In fact, it may be KNOWN for its water. Worthy of #6.

  1. Sparkling Water

I could have moved this one off the list with no issue – but felt it deserved a spot in the Top 10 just for market share. It seriously is just water. With bubbles in it. I’m assuming that it’s filled by Marvin at the same time in the Walmart “Executive” bathroom, and then he takes a straw and blows really hard until bubbles form. I see no reason for it frankly (the water, not the bubbles) and wish it would go away.

  1. Salt Water

I love floating in salt water. I just wish it wasn’t in the ocean because there’s all sorts of critters in there that freak me out. Also good for gargling. I hope the oceans appreciate the #4 ranking and work a little harder to move above:

  1. Fallingwater

Fallingwater is a house designed in 1935 by Frank Lloyd Wright that is considered a National Historic Site. I mean, it’s a building in Pennsylvania so I don’t really see the big deal, but since it has achieved the Historic Site status I felt that it had to be rated above the others. Does anyone else continually get confused about the difference between the Wright Brothers and F.L. Wright? Just me I guess.

  1. Day Water

Fine water. It’s not bad. It’s necessary. So it’s…..fine.

  1. Night Water

The King of Waters. Enjoy.