We have been filled lately with so many negative news stories and so many horrible acts of random destruction that I want to be as uplifting as possible in this weeks’ blog. We must try to maintain a positive outlook with a positive and calm demeanor and exude a positive attitude toward everything in the most positive manner.
I have just tried the most positively disgusting food item I have ever had the displeasure of popping into the old pie hole. Ladies and gentlemen, I present for your review Tiramisu Chocolate Espresso Beans.
It has everything I love. Chocolate – check. Espresso – check. Beans – love ‘em. To be fair I normally partake (in a positive way) of the Dark Chocolate Espresso Beans and they are wonderful. The dark chocolate streams down your throat while the crunch of the bean encourages the bitter dark coffee flavor to whimsically chase down the fleeing dark chocolate in a devil-may-care manner. It’s a taste explosion of two worlds colliding with a hearty mash-up of strong but complementary flavors. It’s a veritable tour-de-force of merriment that invokes the image of a snow-covered mountain with the wind crashing through your hair. Pop one of the dark chocolate espresso beans in your mouth and suddenly you are Amelia Earhart, Albert Einstein and Werner Von Braun all rolled into one cascading glob of deliciousness.
Tiramisu is my favorite dessert ever. So it was a no-brainer when these popped up on the shelf of the nationally renowned global supermarket “World Market” that they quickly found a way into my burgeoning food basket right between the Hawaiian Sweet Onion Crisp Rings and the Lebanese Falafel Roll candy.
Once home, I let these age gracefully on the pantry shelf for approximately 11 months so that they would feel completely safe and secure before they were devoured. While I’m not saying that this WASN’T a factor in my taste test, you would certainly think the makers of the product would take this into account.
So it was a beautiful Autumn afternoon here in Virginia when the bag was finally brought into the world and opened. An unboxing video will be released later today. Packaging was sparse and clear – no pretenses like ‘Tastes Great’ or ‘New and Improved’. I opened the package and was immediately taken back into the ancient Egyptian pyramids. That is because whatever odor came out of these things it made me think of opening a 3000-year old mummy sarcophagus for the first time. Once the aroma cleared enough for me to put my hand in the bag I brought one up and examined it:
The difficult end view:
Looks delicious right? I opened one up to see what it looked like inside (much like an Egyptian mummy):
I even stomped on one to see what it would look like with a hiking boot firmly encroaching upon its little candy territory:
After a thorough and full examination, I calmly and with great expectation popped one in my mouth. It was the oddest flavor ever. It still had the trademark bean crunch and coffee flavor – but the supposed tiramisu flavoring was seemingly replaced by the taste of the aforementioned Egyptian mummy.
It was positively the most awful and disgusting flavor I have ever had the displeasure of tasting. And what was worse was the aftertaste of the ‘product’. I haven’t looked online to see if anyone had the same experience as mine but I can tell you that the whole bag went immediately into the trash. Not the normal trash however, that was too good an end for it. I took the whole bag and actually put it in the OUTSIDE trash. That’s a strong, strong statement.
To demonstrate to you finally how bad these were, I then proceeded to do something that I only do under great duress.
I went down immediately and brushed my teeth. At 3:00pm in the bloody afternoon! THAT should tell you everything you need to know.