I could write a whole blog about people and their email. Well, surprise surprise…I’m writing a whole blog about people and their email. To be clear, I don’t blame the EMAIL for any of the below items, EMAIL is just a bunch of electronic dots and dashes and nips and nashes and can’t be the cause of the problem. As always, the problem is in the operator. You can’t sue Ford when you run your Fiesta off the bridge.

Problem #1 – Lack of Response/Too Much Response

If you send an email to 16 people and not a soul responds, did it ever make a sound? I can’t tell you how many times I send out a brilliant bit of information that is necessary for people to do their jobs, and nary a pin drops in the ether of the internet amongst the emailed crowd. My email has apparently just hit the pavement….HARD….and no one can get their grimy little fingernails underneath it to pry open a response. Not a single peep. It’s peep-less.

On the other hand, you have Johnny NotSoBright who “Replies All” to every single email message that hits his box. From the innocuous ‘Thanks!’ to the more grimy ‘Appreciate the info…’ every single person on the email is subjected to Mr. NotSoBright. It becomes even more of a problem when someone asks for advice and Mr. NotSoBright replies to all parties ‘I don’t know….’ This is invariably followed by Jane I.M.N Idiot replying to Johnny’s message, again to all parties, saying ‘Me either…’

Just stop it.

Problem #2 – Writing an Email Above Your Level of Comprehension

Why would you do that? Just because you can.

In the past few months I’ve been collecting examples of real emails containing actual English words. However, these words have been put together in such an annoying manner that you can’t possibly take the organizer of these valid words seriously. Here are but a few examples of said behavior:

  • “I need to formally effectuate this.” (I don’t even know what this means)
  • “We are going to have to have a collaboration meeting” (Aren’t ALL meetings collaboration meetings? It’s kind of the actual definition of the word ‘meeting’.)
  • “I’m just socializing the thought.” (This is a passive aggressive way of putting your ideas out there so that even if everyone just abhors the thought itself, you can’t be fully blamed for it. The email equivalent of devil’s advocate, if you will. And you will.)
  • “We had some perturbation and misalignment which resulted in abnormal charges to your respective networks” (I wish I could share with you who said this in an email. Picture the most annoying human being in your head. That’s EXACTLY what he looks like – GOOD JOB!)
  • “Hi…hoping you can still make this window of time – I’m de-conflicting appointments.” (No one ever says that nor should they. Yet they still did.)

Problem #3 – Horrible Signature Blocks

I could go on and on about signature blocks. Some are ridiculously long, some have quotes from great (and not so great) Americans, some have Bible verses embedded in them. It’s become the new Ford Fiesta bumper sticker. However, nothing has topped (in my mind) the signature block of someone within my company that had occasion to send multiple emails over several months to at least 500 people at a time. In every signature block, this person had the great misfortune of putting the following picture. Again, this went to HUNDREDS of people across the country and apparently was never corrected by anyone for all the months of activity. See if you can spot the error:

I’m sure that she has now changed it to the following, since she seems to be in a seasonal sort of signature block kind of thing.

Thanks to all of you for formally effectuating this blog and may you have no perturbations or misalignments in your weekly travels.

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