If you were to ask me what two things I ignore most in this big, beautiful world the answer would be easy – politics and news. Of course, if you were to ask my wife the same question she would say the two things I ignore most would be her and her. She’s obviously wrong about that – I wouldn’t classify it as ‘ignoring’. More like cognitive dissidence.
This morning I made the mistake, as I was switching from a rerun of “Friends” on one channel to another rerun of “Friends” on another channel, of stopping on the Local News for a minute. I don’t know why I paused, but within about 78 seconds I was reminded of why I stopped paying attention to either of my two previously ignored subjects.
CRINGE-INDUCING SUBJECT #1
The United States Department of Transportation is hosting a symposium/conference/meeting/get-together/speech/dramatic production/coven – whatever you want to call it – on “Increased Pedestrian Train Deaths”. Note that this is not a symposium on HOW to get hit by a train – anyone can do that – but I guess on how we can better avoid it. Well, I have a thought on how to avoid these senseless deaths. Don’t stand in front of the train. I’ve just saved the government millions of dollars and many serious-looking government officials at least 8 hours of sitting in a darkened boardroom listening to train death stories. You’re welcome.
Every week in the United States in 2014, about 16 people were killed by trains. This is compared to a ridiculous 37,000 people dying weekly from cancer, 2,750 per week dying from car crashes, and a crazy 542 people per week dying from FALLING OFF A ROOF. Yet the political train lovers deem the 16 deaths a week to be important enough to have an event to discuss this. Sure, they’ll serve the crappy cheese Danish in their little morning session, followed by a 6-inch diameter chocolate chip cookie served as an afternoon snack in the later session, but that will be the highlight of the conference and the talking point as everyone leaves….”Boy, that conference was pointless, but HOLY CRAP IN A BUCKET THAT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE!”
CRINGE-INDUCING SUBJECT #2
So after that story, we had nowhere to go but up. So I thought. To pick the next story, I’m giving you four options to choose from. Only one of these is an actual news story that was reported:
- Senate to Decide Today on “Women in Weather” Award
- Utah Reinstates Death by Firing Squad
- Not Many Disco Songs About Daytime
- Man Forgets He Has Infant Strapped to His Back
Give up? Well, I have to give credit to The Onion for the last two. And credit to my workplace for the first one – as we are actually honoring “the six most celebrated women in meteorology” ridiculously soon.
So that only leaves one headline that’s true. Utah has recently reinstated death by firing squad. I’ll let that one sink in for a second. The vote probably went something like this, as apparently the state was bored by the normal methods for death:
- Firing Squad 51% (WINNER!)
- Tar & Feathering 33%
- Drawn & Quartered 15% (my personal favorite, by the way)
- Guillotine 1% (they’re not ANIMALS, after all)
I haven’t begun (nor will I begin) to read any article or continue to listen to any news story concerning the legalization of a firing squad in the United States, so I can’t give you any reason as to why they are now legal – but then again, I really shouldn’t have to, should I? Are we really that insane in this country to feel a need for a firing squad? To be clear, I’m not even necessarily against the death penalty under some conditions. But a firing squad????
Maybe after their “Death Train Symposium 2015”, the politicos looking for something to do can focus on what type of bullets to use in Utah.
Get me back to my “Friends” reruns. STAT.