Food. It’s important.

Seldom have I typed something that was so incapable of being argued. We all know that food is important. We keep looking for the next best thing and hope that it will compare to the venerable Big Mac for taste, nutrition and sheer happiness of eating. Very rarely does something live up to the standard of that institution however – therefore in any future food reviews I will be rating the food on a scale of 1 (cringe-worthy) to 10 (Big Mac-worthy) double decked paradise burgers.

That aside, today I will be looking at two valuable entries into the frozen food market. They will appeal to a wide audience and perhaps become the next big thing. However, how do they stand up to the astronomically high ‘Flying Here in the Middle….’ standards? Will they rate in the upper echelon of Big Macs? Let’s take a look at the first item:

  • Frozen White Castle Veggie Sliders (Vegan version)

You may scoff at this product – thinking that the fine people at White Castle have blown a gasket. I did. While they have created perhaps one of the finest frozen NORMAL burgers known to man, will their talent be enough to meet the demanding standards of the Vegan crowd? What’s next? Gluten-free? Farm-fed? Grass-fed? The taste buds are a-tickle! By looking at the very attractive packaging, it’s immediately apparent that the main ingredients in this potential delicacy are carrots, peas, spinach “and more”. I’m taking two Big Macs off right there for spilling your guts right on the front of the package and not putting ‘spinach’ into the ‘and more’ wording, instead of displaying it proudly for all to see. Hide your dirty laundry, White Castle. On to the tasting:

Actual pictures of the food – your results won’t vary in the least:

I don’t really need to say any more about this. The way the green of the spinach cascades over the orange of the carrot, the robust, still engorged peas spilling into each bite, the consistency of the ‘patty’… all fully explain my rating below. It was single-handedly one of the most disgusting things I have ever eaten. To think that White Castle could grind up glass and lord knows what else and make a delicious burger, yet can’t take 3 vegetables and slam it into a normal looking patty that doesn’t taste like dirty athletic socks just blows the mind.

My rating:

 

 

 

 

That’s right – TWO Big Macs. Why two? Because for some strange reason, my wonderful wife didn’t think they were all that terrible. Huh? I admit that she really doesn’t have a clue when it comes to what a White Castle burger SHOULD taste like, but just looking at this….sheesh.

  • My/Mo Mochi Ice Cream

So it was National Ice Cream Day and the household was sans ice cream. Combine that simple fact with the happenstance of needing to go to a grocery store on the same day resulted in a panic buy the likes of which the world has never seen. And yes, we DID jump off a cliff because our friends did on the way home. Luckily, we survived with our Mochi ice cream well intact. Frankly, the item doesn’t look so bad. I’ll admit that there was some confusion at the store as we thought it said MOCHA ice cream (which I’m a sucker for) and the little pictures looked like the ice cream was wrapped in a wonderful powdered sugar dough-like substance. Who could ask for anything more? The box even says that it was wrapped in a sweet, soft dough. That HAS to be worth 5 Big Macs at least right there.

Actual pictures of the food – your results won’t vary in the least:

 

 

The ice cream was good but a little too cold for my taste (don’t even tell me you don’t know what I mean – it was so cold I had to blow on it to warm it up). But what in the name of all that’s holy was that ‘sweet, soft dough’? It literally had the consistency of hardened snot. No lie. We raced to the freezer to determine what was in it (stopping at the bathroom of course to spit it out first) and were shocked and dismayed to read the following on the back of the box. This was no doubt written by someone exactly like me who just wanted you to buy these stupid things and see your reaction:

“Pinch it. Poke it. Squeeze it. Stack ‘em. Roll one to a friend. Sink your teeth in. Wipe the powder from your lips. Feel the sensation changing with every bite. It’s sweet and cool and gooey and great. It’s creamy meets chewy, silky meets soft, delightful meets delectable. It’s a riddle only a tongue can unravel. It’s luscious ice cream wrapped up inside deliciously squishy mochi dough. It’s My/Mo”

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST EAT?????

Being the internet savvy person that I am, I was able to open a browser and search for mochi dough to see if it was contagious or something. It turns out that it is a Japanese rice cake made of mochigome rice. It is pounded into paste and molded into the desired shape. I don’t mean to sound rude to my many Japanese readers, but KEEP YOUR MOCHI OFF MY ICE CREAM.

My rating.

 

 

 

 

One Big Mac – just because the ice cream was awrrright and it gave me something to write about.

DO.  NOT.  BUY.

More reviews forthcoming. Including – THE GLORIOUS RETURN OF A CLASSIC CEREAL.

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