I had my first date in a long time yesterday. It was obviously a nerve-wracking experience that I don’t wish upon anyone. What do I wear? How do I act? It was all new to me and I felt like I hadn’t had to prepare like this since the dreaded Incident of 1993.

Why was I back on the circuit looking for Mrs. C? Because my previous relationship with Mrs. B which I had been in for approximately five years had ended one gloomy day in April on Facebook. Everything had been going smoothly previous to that, at least in my mind, so I was shocked to read that she was moving to Myrtle Beach in two weeks! Was it something I had said? Well, of COURSE (if you know me) it was something that I said. I scoured my brain for any tidbit that I may have leaked that would have scared her away.

Mrs. B and I had definitely come to an understanding of our dates. How they would be handled, what I liked,text what she needed…. all of that gone like a whisper in the wind with a few key presses on a keyboard. I was left searching my soul and thinking my own sad thoughts and wondering how I had wronged her. She was the one who got away – but she wasn’t the first.

That’s right, this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened to me. Previous to Mrs. B there was Mrs. A. She was a caring woman who I had been with probably for 15-20 YEARS, which is absolutely amazing. She was a perfect companion to my needs. She knew every ebb and flow and maintained perfection for all those years. Oh sure, there were those fierce arguments that every couple goes through over money or time or whatever, but we always came back to US and the relationship that we had fostered. She grew to know my kids and treated them with the same respect.

How did it end with Mrs. A? After almost two decades in the relationship, one day I was getting the mail out of our mailbox when a curiously scented envelope nestling amongst the ads caught my attention. With trembling hands I opened it, and quickly scanned through the fluff words and unimportant stuff to get to the real polepoint. She was moving to Arizona and ‘appreciated’ the time that we had shared. I was crushed. How would I ever cope?

So I have been in solid relationships for 25 years. In a flash of light, it was all over and I was looking for another. There were a myriad of one-night stands with the chain relationships, but all of them ended in a cacophony of crap and litany of shaved heads.

So how did my date go?

It didn’t go fantastically. Sure, the end result was OK and the date ended appropriately enough but there were warning signs that any person entering into a new relationship notices immediately. This new Mrs. C wanna–be charged me more than Mrs. A or B ever did. She didn’t brush the falling hair out of my face and then asked me a question, which of course caused me to choke on my own falling hair when I attempted an answer. She asked me if I liked the water warm or cold and then proceeded to scald my scalp with hot lava. So it was a big solid hurrumph to this new person.

It might be best for ME to break up with YOU, Mrs. C wanna-be. I may have to just keep searching for the next person to cut my hair.

But don’t worry – it’s not you…. it’s me.

salon