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Have you ever fallen for one of those emails or Craigslist ads? I can’t imagine any of the hyper-intelligent readekatrinars of this blog would have deposited their money in an unlisted bank in Nigeria. I can’t think that anyone could fall for a girl named Svetlana asking to meet for dinner because she saw you across the grocery store last week and REALLY wants to get to know you but when you email her at the link she provided she just gives you a long story about how her mother is stuck in war-torn Uzbekistan and she just needs $500 for a plane ticket to escape the ruling kingpins and when you send her your bank account number and social security number she just says thank you and she’ll be in touch and then after three months she still doesn’t respond and you have sent multiple messages back to her and even though you have in the back of your mind that it MAY be a scam she seemed really genuine and HOW DID SHE KNOW I WAS IN THE GROCERY STORE LAST WEEK????

Anyway.

I received an email last week that I didn’t just throw away. I read it because embedded in the email was language and logic I’ve never seen in one of these before. Let’s analyze the cyber-crime section by section. And no, I didn’t respond to it. This time.

We begin with the subject of the email: SSG. HIL

Intriguing! And we begin:

Happy New Year
I Hillary Lynch, sending Greetings from the Mountains of Afghanistan.I am contacting you for an urgent assistance to help me safe-keep 1 suitcase that just arrived in a storage facility of a vaults company.

afghanistanOK – all good so far right? A nice way to start with the Happy New Year greeting I thought. Not sure I’ve ever got one from the Mountains of Afghanistan before so I’m immediately pulled in. Hillary sounds like a fine, upstanding person that just needs help safe-keeping a suitcase. Now, I don’t know why there is a storage facility of a vaults company in the Mountains of Afghanistan anyway, but I won’t question that since everything else seems on the up and up. On we go:

The suitcase contain some Antiques and dough.The dough was part of a generosity from an oil merchant, an oil deal cut paid in the heat of Afghanistan upsurge.

This is where it MAY start to go off the rails. Why would anyone put dough into a suitcase? Cookie dough? Bread dough? Biscuit dough? IS IT THE PILLSBURY FAMILY RECIPE????? All we really know is that it was all part of a supedoughr-secret deal paid in the “heat of Afghanistan upsurge”. That means it checks out – because everyone knows that there recently has been heat in Afghanistan. Much less an upsurge. It’s the next sentence however that has me questioning everything I’ve ever believed in.

Being part of the boot that very day,the merchant decided to wet our beak.After providing them a safe haven to sealed the deal. With the help of military cargo moving military equipment here, i was able to move the luggage to a safe Vaults company.

This section has been written with such mastery of the English language and such eloquence that there is no way that it can be a scam. I mean, this young lady is risking her life and actually was PART OF THE BOOT. The merchant graciously decided to wet their beak so there really can be no way that this could be made up.

And now the final plea:

The package is currently with the holding company,And they will deliver to your address. please do get back to me on this email address for more info,
hillarynch4@gmail.com.
Cheers,
HL

I love the final goodbye – a casual ‘Cheers’ thrown across the thousands of miles from Afghanistan and the simple ‘HL’ to tie the whole thing together. I, for one, remain intrigued and cannot find anything wrong with the above letter. I’ll be responding to SSG. HIL this afternoon to obtain my suitcase of Pillsbury cookie dough.

And then my 539th email will be sent to Svetlana. I mean – I saw her at the Piggly Wiggly for god’s sake.